Separation Anxiety

so, as you know, i'm off to college in two-and-a-half weeks. you also know i'm very close to my family. extremely close.

i'm spending these last moments with all of them; mom, dad, Monika, Keith, Angela, Jessica, Brandon and Kevin. i'm also making arrangements for something special for each of them for after i leave.

truth be told, i'm not handling this impending separation from my loved ones very well.

how long will it be before they walk by my room and no longer ask if i'll be home in time for dinner? how long will it be before my mom or dad no longer ask me to give one of my siblings a ride somewhere? how long will it be before they eliminate the thought of me from their day-to-day routines?

i love all of them greatly, and it's not like i'll be forgotten, but these questions weigh heavily on my mind.

there is no doubt in my mind that this is where i have to be and it's what i need to be doing. despite that fact, i wonder if maybe i should have emphasized colleges nearer to home in my search. on the other hand, stanford is one of the best universities in the country, and it has everything for which i was looking.

i'm not a person who deals well with being separated from love and affection. no, not the physical kind, but the truly deep emotional, heartfelt love one only gets from those who have been an intimate part of her life -- all her life.

i can't help but wonder if my parents will keep my room the way it is or turn it into something very different. will my mom see my picture on the wall and remember the little girl who begged and pleaded to lick the cake frosting bowl? will my dad think about the nights we spent watching our favorite show together? will he never forget that i always have been and always will be his little girl?

what will Jessica think when she's playing piano and doesn't see her big sister leaning in the doorway with an expression of great pride on her face? will Angela call me when a question comes up about her schoolwork or boys, or will she find someone else to ask?

how will Brandon react to being the oldest at home? can he possibly know how much respect i have for the young man he's turned into? will Keith look up into the stands at his game expecting to see me, but suddenly remember the reality that i am not there? will he remember fondly the times when it was me who had to scold him? how will Kevin ever do a remodel estimate without his "brainiac" sister?

and then there's Monika. she's so much like all of her sisters, yet with bias i feel she favors me the most. she almost seems like a daughter to me. will she realize that i haven't really left her; that i'm only a few hundred miles away? will she continue to learn to read even without her mentor present? who will she climb into bed with when she's lonely once i am not there?

obviously, the questions are at the forefront of my mind but, you know, i think i already know all the answers. they will be all right. i will be all right. saying goodbye -- or see ya later -- will undoubtedly be the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life.

we've been so close for so long, and i just can't imagine being so far away from any of them.

~ Kassandra

sf bay area rocks!

so far, i am loving the bay area! i know seem to be saying 'i love this' and 'i love that' a lot lately. it's true though; i've been here just a day and a half, but it's been an incredible day and a half!

Brian and Carla

i was met at the san francisco airport by my brother at a little before 5 a.m. thursday morning. after grabbing my luggage, he took me to his apartment where i would be staying through the weekend, which included friday's meeting with my college counselor.

wait, i'm getting ahead of myself a bit.

Brian and Carla have been together a little over a year and became engaged in june. she essentially met my family when he brought her home for my high school graduation. the reception from my parents, siblings and myself was a positive one for her. i imagine it can be daunting meeting your fiance's family of military parents and seven siblings. i, for one, was quite impressed.

prior to my arrival in san francisco, Brian and Carla informed me that they had a big surprise for me.

my brother and i arrived at the apartment from the airport at about 5:30. Carla was already awake. each of them had to go to work in a couple of short hours. i was going to get a chance to rest after my two weeks in new mexico and nebraska.

i was told to help myself to the fridge and cupboards, make myself at home and feel free to watch any movies or listen to any music i found in the place.

then my brother nodded toward his fiance and said she had something to show me. she smiled slightly then motioned for me to follow her. i did so, and Brian followed me. down the hallway and to the last door.

she stopped for a moment, then opened the door.

what i saw brought me to tears. the bed, the chest, the desk. and a theme of my favorite pink.

i was then informed that this was my room, for whenever i wanted to take a break off campus and drive the 30 miles north. this was offered as my refuge by a smiling couple. i was amazed and honored.

Brian had grabbed my bags and he set them inside. he approached me as i was walking around beaming, a smile from ear to ear. what he told blew me away. Carla had remodeled the room just for me. he said she wanted to make a great impression since i would probably be the family she would get to know best.

i smiled at her, went over and gave her a huge hug. i love it!

college counselor meeting

i met with my counselor at the university for the first time in person this morning. she's a sweetheart and i really think we'll be able to work together.

we spent a lot of time on the curriculum and what it will take for me to attain the goals i have for myself. this basically included the courses and overall plan of action for me to earn the degrees for which i'm aiming.

she showed me a layout of my classes for fall and a layout of the buildings on campus. we also talked about my dorm, parking permit and the student union.

she also gave me a special treat. as we were concluding, she said 'ah, one more thing.' she picked up the phone, looked at a paper on her desk and began dialing.

that one more thing was a call to my dorm mate, a blond girl named Julie from oxnard, california. we spoke via speakerphone for about 10 minutes and exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. it's great that we'll already have been talking before we actually meet face to face. needless to say, i'm feeling pretty good about it!

so here i am, in my room near my school, loving ththe bay area!

~ Kassandra

des moines, lunch with grandma, heading west

you know, this really has been the vacation of my lifetime. in just under two weeks, i feel like i've lived a summer's worth of adventures. i've seen probably 85 percent of my extended family, encompassing both sides!

there's no way i can recapture all this in one blog, but i can say it would make one hell of a 'what i did on my summer vacation' report!

mississippi river and des moines

when we last left off, my grandparents, aunt and cousin were off to des moines, with a detour to the mississippi river and the state of illinois. it was a great day, even though much of it was in the car.

from lincoln we went through southern iowa and northern missouri to burlington, illinois. my impression from this part of the trip: the mississippi river is friggin huge! i mean, i knew it was big and the current was strong, but i don't think i was prepared for the sure size and awesomeness of it.

monday night in des moines was wonderful. my cousin, Stacey, lives there and showed us some midwestern hospitality that would make a southerner jealous (not sure about the validity of that; it just sounded good!). after my grandparents and aunt decided to crash out, Stacey, Rebecca, Stacey's roommate Candice went to a club in des moines. i just have to say, as i may blog about this later, the iowan guys are something very special!

last day in nebraska

i had wanted to drop into kansas, so on wednesday before leaving, my grandmother and i had a girls day out. we drove past some of the larger farms in the area, then took a little drive across the kansas border into marysville where we had a nice little lunch and did some shopping.

shopping was a major activity in all these places, but there were also some other souvenirs from the trip ... how about a little summary:

sixteen state-named t-shirts; 12 pieces of jewelry, over 25 little trinkets, about five special mementos, samples of dirt from nine states (10 if i can get some during my layover in minneapolis/st. paul!) and, get this, samples of river water from two of the country's largest rivers (mississippi and rio grande).

how's that for a summer?!

brother and school

from here, i go to san francisco to stay with my brother for a couple of days. i have my first face-to-face meeting with my college counselor friday and that's only a 40 minute drive from my brother's apartment.

i should arrive at the airport there early morning of the 12th.

he already told me that he and his fiance, Carla, have a surprise for me when i show up there ... i have no idea what it might be!

but i do love surprises!

~ Kassandra

loving lincoln!

actually, i'm loving the area about 15 minutes outside of lincoln, nebraska. i arrived at the airport very early last thursday and have had the most wonderful several days with my grandparents on dad's side.

we've had two big barbecues the past couple of days, one at their house and another at my aunt and uncle's house. many of my cousins here are close to my age and it's been amazing meeting them, many for the first time in person. before this trip, the only cousins i've really met repeatedly are my uncle Mike's (dad's brother), who live in southern california.

it's a very surreal feeling knowing about these people and having heard their names, yet not ever actually meeting them. it was the same thing with my cousins in new mexico. it's been a real eye opener of the people i've been missing out on. i hope this propels me to improve and continue these 'new' relationships.

early monday morning, my grandparents, an aunt, a cousin and i are taking a two-day road trip, which could take us through as many as five states.

we're starting out going south into kansas, then east into missouri. knowing that i've already seen the rio grande river when i was in new mexico, my grandfather feels it only appropriate that we continue through missouri to the mississippi river. i actually am hoping we can make a quick run across the river into illinois (just to say i've been there)! from there, the plan is to head up to des moines, iowa. my cousin, Stacey, lives there and has promised to put us all up for the night.

on tuesday, we'll head back into nebraska. we've mapped it and there's about 10 hours of driving time monday (we're leaving at 5:30 a.m.), and about three hours on the way back. i'm told this is a relatively quick trip around the block, so we should have some time to stop in each place and take a look around.

something i'm also doing is taking a dirt sample from each state which i've visited. it started with hawaii, and continued during the first leg of my vacation. it strikes me as very strange that by the time i'm finished this summer, i'm going to have dirt from 13 states -- and that's just this summer.

this vacation is very special to me, but i'm very much missing my own family. i've video chatted with them several times, but there's nothing like being there. when i get back, i will only have a few weeks before i go off to college. that thought -- and the feeling of missing them -- continues to grow in the forefront of my mind. my family is very special to me and i fear i'm not handling the impending separation from them very well. i shall attempt to address that in a future blog.

for now, i'm looking forward to the next couple of days!

~ Kassandra

Aubrey

i am a registered student tutor with the state of oregon. this basically means that i've taken a course and completed testing to be approved as a tutor for students younger than me on a free-lance basis. this allows me to charge for my service and treat the sessions with my "tootees" (coined by one of them) as a job. i don't consider it work. through this, i've seen and been exposed to a lot of different types of kids and, in some instances, the challenges and learning disabilities with which they deal.

this is something of which i generally don't speak. these are private sessions where trust and anonymity is key to moving forward and helping these kids.

***

she has a smile of gold which shines through her long lightly browned hair. she's all of about 4'4" tall. she is kind, considerate, wondrous, curious and all the other things one would hope a nine year old would be.

what she wants most in the world is to be like every other girl her age. However, she doesn't feel as though she is.

her relatives make fun of her. her friends (if you can call them that) call her names like ‘stupid,’ ‘moron,' 'dummy’ and others.

those descriptions have absolutely nothing in common with the girl I met just a week ago, my cousin Aubrey.

ever the optimist, she volunteered to accompany my grandfather when I arrived at the airport in albuquerque for my visit there. i've since learned that she wanted to meet me, a cousin she'd only heard about and talked to a couple of times on the phone, yet never met in person.

for a week, we were like sisters. she told me all about her home state and listed intently as i spoke of mine. though we live about 1,300 miles from one another, we share a great pride in our homes.

she was there when we visited four corners, the intersection of Utah, Colorado, new mexico and Arizona (although, she insists that new mexico should be listed first!). i bought us matching necklaces there and she declared that i no longer had just three sisters; i now have four!

***

Aubrey struggles in school. she and her father swear she works her butt off but every time she thinks she has the right answer, it turns out to be wrong. backwards. she calls her homework "all inside out."

knowing that my mother had home schooled the majority of her children, Aubrey's father contacted her at the end of school with the dilemma of Aubrey's scholastic difficulties. my mom suggested a few things, and promised to get back to him with more.

my mom asked me for my opinion. i suggested Aubrey do some testing through the state, and that could hold some answers. on the phone with she and her dad on phone extensions in new mexico, and my mom and i on phone extensions on oregon, Aubrey said she liked the idea of getting answers, but going to the state to be tested was scary for her. she all but refused to do it. her father didn't pressure her (and for that moment, i agree with him).

i had yet to meet her at that point, but as we were all paused on the phone that june day, i came up with an idea.

"Aubrey, i need you to listen to me and let me finish before you respond, okay?"

"yes, cousin Kassandra," she said.

"well, you may know that i'm going to be in albuquerque in a month and a half. if i promise to go with you to testing, and be there, will you promise to go and be tested? i'll wait for you there and we can talk about any part of it you want to beforehand or afterward. all we have to do is schedule it for when i'm going to be there. would that be all right?"

"if you come with me, i promise to go," she said after a long pause.

***

i arrived in albuquerque on a thursday afternoon. that's the moment I met Aubrey. she offered to be my tour guide, which encompassed informing me about her home state. we got a chance to sit down alone together friday morning and i asked her to read part of the newspaper out loud. sound it out, i told her when she came to a pause. i then asked her to perform a few exercises based on what she had read. After about two hours, i told her to relax. her testing was scheduled for monday (august 2).

based on what i'd seen friday morning, i had a hunch. through tutoring, i had seen something very similar to this.

the weekend was recreational. we had the trip to four corners, we walked along the rio grande river, and we had lunch. other than our friendship, it was all about "doing lunch!"

the state tests came on Monday morning (they allowed her to hold the necklace that her cousin bought her, just for luck).

"it was easy," she claimed, rather triumphantly. then added "cousin Kassandra, it was just like what we did the other day." i simply smiled. my hunch had just grown into a full-blown-gut instinct!

***

the following day was my last full day on the albuquerque portion of my vacation. it was also the day we received an expedited analysis of Aubrey's testing. my gut turned out to be correct.

Aubrey is dyslexic.

i know, that's not necessarily something to be excited about. but I think it's cause for optimism. there are several programs where people can learn to re-train their brains into perceiving information more effectively. as i told Aubrey, a lot of people have learned to deal with dyslexia and beat it. an actor, a professional football coach, ceo's of companies. the important thing is to determine what was causing the difficulty.

i think she's encouraged.

as she did nearly a week before, she came to the airport to see me off this morning. we were all smiles until we got to the gate.

i tried to convey how special the visit was and how wonderful she made it. then, she blew me away.

"cousin Kassandra, i knew you'd help me. grandma told me so. i don't care how much those instructors help me, you'll always be my best tutor.

i spoke nothing, as i am very poor at talking through my tears.

the hug seemed to last forever, then i was on my plane, smiling because i knew Aubrey was not any of those things she had been called.

in fact, i am confident those names and that ridicule are soon to be a thing of the past.

and i can't wait to see Aubrey again!

~ Kassandra