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i'm Kassandra an oregon girl at heart. recent college graduate. heading off to law school in summer of 2014. my parents are both u.s. army veterans and continue to serve in the military in other capacities. i have four brothers (two older, two younger) and three sisters (all younger). i love each of them for both their individuality and their commitment to the example set by our parents. aside from my family, i have several friends who mean a great deal to me, one as much as my best friend from high school. she's my kindred spirit and i would do anything for her. i would also do anything for Julie, my roommate for three of my four years of college and my best friend; she's amazing and it's wonderful to have shared this experience with her. i'm extremely strong in academics and tend to think of things in analytical terms. i'm open and honest. note: i'm interested in receiving feedback on this blog, but i request that the comments pertain to the actual blog itself, and i do not approve anonymous comments.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Separation Anxiety

so, as you know, i'm off to college in two-and-a-half weeks. you also know i'm very close to my family. extremely close.

i'm spending these last moments with all of them; mom, dad, Monika, Keith, Angela, Jessica, Brandon and Kevin. i'm also making arrangements for something special for each of them for after i leave.

truth be told, i'm not handling this impending separation from my loved ones very well.

how long will it be before they walk by my room and no longer ask if i'll be home in time for dinner? how long will it be before my mom or dad no longer ask me to give one of my siblings a ride somewhere? how long will it be before they eliminate the thought of me from their day-to-day routines?

i love all of them greatly, and it's not like i'll be forgotten, but these questions weigh heavily on my mind.

there is no doubt in my mind that this is where i have to be and it's what i need to be doing. despite that fact, i wonder if maybe i should have emphasized colleges nearer to home in my search. on the other hand, stanford is one of the best universities in the country, and it has everything for which i was looking.

i'm not a person who deals well with being separated from love and affection. no, not the physical kind, but the truly deep emotional, heartfelt love one only gets from those who have been an intimate part of her life -- all her life.

i can't help but wonder if my parents will keep my room the way it is or turn it into something very different. will my mom see my picture on the wall and remember the little girl who begged and pleaded to lick the cake frosting bowl? will my dad think about the nights we spent watching our favorite show together? will he never forget that i always have been and always will be his little girl?

what will Jessica think when she's playing piano and doesn't see her big sister leaning in the doorway with an expression of great pride on her face? will Angela call me when a question comes up about her schoolwork or boys, or will she find someone else to ask?

how will Brandon react to being the oldest at home? can he possibly know how much respect i have for the young man he's turned into? will Keith look up into the stands at his game expecting to see me, but suddenly remember the reality that i am not there? will he remember fondly the times when it was me who had to scold him? how will Kevin ever do a remodel estimate without his "brainiac" sister?

and then there's Monika. she's so much like all of her sisters, yet with bias i feel she favors me the most. she almost seems like a daughter to me. will she realize that i haven't really left her; that i'm only a few hundred miles away? will she continue to learn to read even without her mentor present? who will she climb into bed with when she's lonely once i am not there?

obviously, the questions are at the forefront of my mind but, you know, i think i already know all the answers. they will be all right. i will be all right. saying goodbye -- or see ya later -- will undoubtedly be the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life.

we've been so close for so long, and i just can't imagine being so far away from any of them.

~ Kassandra

11 comments:

  1. Wow Kassandra. This post is very powerful. I felt like I was you, thinking all of these things. Your mind seems to be going a million miles an hour but I am thankful that you posted this. It probably helped you think through things too. But like you said, they will be alright. You will be alright. But even knowing that, goodbye is still hard to say. Thanks for the inside view to your thought process as you go experience all of this. Stay strong!

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  2. Hey girl! I finally found you! I totally hear you about being separated from family. We'll have each other when we move into our dormroom. Looking forward to it cuz we're gonna have so much fun! I love your blog. Your vacation soounds awesome! Like ya know totally awesome. Is that SoCal enough for you? :DDD

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  3. @Ryan: thanks for understanding; i was afraid from a writing standpoint that it was kind of understated. well, at least you know what's going through my mind right now.

    @Julie: i'm going to take you up on that offer of fun! despite what you read here, i really am looking forward to meeting you in person. and oh, you definitely sounded like a southern california blonde!

    ~ Kassandra

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  4. Hey no problem. And I do know what's going on in your mind and I have experienced this all before so I can relate. Although your family is just a tad bit bigger than mine lol

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  5. hey, sorry if i insinuated you hadn't been through it. i'm kind of focused on that right now. of course you've been through it. i kind of get the picture that boys are itching to get out of the house while girls tend to want to stay at home as long as they can.

    ~ Kassandra

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  6. I didn't think you were insinuating anything. I'm sorry you felt like I was. Nope just saying that it will be hard and you just have to stay strong for yourself and for them. But I agree with your last statement. I think girls do tend to have a harder time leaving home than boys.

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  7. well, not insinuating as such; just din't want you to get hte wrong idea. it's just over two weeks. oh, did i tell you that my parents not only agreed with my plan to bring Monika down when i move into the dorm, but they had the same idea! obviously it's going to be quite an adjustment, but as Julie said, we'll be able to help each other with that when i get down there.

    ~ Kassandra

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  8. Hey Kasey! Do you know if we're supposed to have our parents at convocation? I was reading about that but I didn't see any mention of that little question. Two weeks to go!

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  9. Jeez Kassandra, again, I really wish I could relate :) I hope that you will will find, once you are there, that it will be you who moves on, and is forgetting your family in your everyday life. Things will change so dramatically for you, and you will be so busy I think, that you may not have so much for reflection as you do now. Your family, who seems to really rely on you, will be counting the days until your return, while you worry about the next mid-term....at least, that is what I imagine.
    Btw, if you take any deep history classes, feel free to hit me up for advice. Lawyer right? History is an excellent background for such a career, since all we do is research, write, and argue (hopefully) persuasively....which is what attorneys do :)

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  10. @Julie: i have no idea about parents at convocation. i think it might be a bit boring for them (certainly my 33-month old sister wouldn't be entertained!). i'd say it's probably for us after we move our stuff into the dorm, though at this point that's only my best guess.

    @EowynAmarie: first, thanks for coming by and reading! it's ironic that after what you and i had been through on MB's blog that you're one of the two or three people from there who has posted here! i think this is going to sound a little self-centered, but i hadn't thought about what would be going through my mind toward my family nearly as much as the other way around. i'm going to have to be congnisant of that. we do have a family structure in which the oldest living at home is looked upon to be responsible, to look after the others, and to set an example. that's been me since about the age of 14. of course, in some ways that will be a relief! right now my plan is to major in pre-law and polysci. i have been toying with a minor in american history as well, but i've yet to decide that. coincidentally, my classes are along the lines that i don't have to decide that for at list a little while. my first goal is just to get used to it all and make any decisions along those lines later.

    ~ Kassandra

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