Separation Anxiety

so, as you know, i'm off to college in two-and-a-half weeks. you also know i'm very close to my family. extremely close.

i'm spending these last moments with all of them; mom, dad, Monika, Keith, Angela, Jessica, Brandon and Kevin. i'm also making arrangements for something special for each of them for after i leave.

truth be told, i'm not handling this impending separation from my loved ones very well.

how long will it be before they walk by my room and no longer ask if i'll be home in time for dinner? how long will it be before my mom or dad no longer ask me to give one of my siblings a ride somewhere? how long will it be before they eliminate the thought of me from their day-to-day routines?

i love all of them greatly, and it's not like i'll be forgotten, but these questions weigh heavily on my mind.

there is no doubt in my mind that this is where i have to be and it's what i need to be doing. despite that fact, i wonder if maybe i should have emphasized colleges nearer to home in my search. on the other hand, stanford is one of the best universities in the country, and it has everything for which i was looking.

i'm not a person who deals well with being separated from love and affection. no, not the physical kind, but the truly deep emotional, heartfelt love one only gets from those who have been an intimate part of her life -- all her life.

i can't help but wonder if my parents will keep my room the way it is or turn it into something very different. will my mom see my picture on the wall and remember the little girl who begged and pleaded to lick the cake frosting bowl? will my dad think about the nights we spent watching our favorite show together? will he never forget that i always have been and always will be his little girl?

what will Jessica think when she's playing piano and doesn't see her big sister leaning in the doorway with an expression of great pride on her face? will Angela call me when a question comes up about her schoolwork or boys, or will she find someone else to ask?

how will Brandon react to being the oldest at home? can he possibly know how much respect i have for the young man he's turned into? will Keith look up into the stands at his game expecting to see me, but suddenly remember the reality that i am not there? will he remember fondly the times when it was me who had to scold him? how will Kevin ever do a remodel estimate without his "brainiac" sister?

and then there's Monika. she's so much like all of her sisters, yet with bias i feel she favors me the most. she almost seems like a daughter to me. will she realize that i haven't really left her; that i'm only a few hundred miles away? will she continue to learn to read even without her mentor present? who will she climb into bed with when she's lonely once i am not there?

obviously, the questions are at the forefront of my mind but, you know, i think i already know all the answers. they will be all right. i will be all right. saying goodbye -- or see ya later -- will undoubtedly be the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life.

we've been so close for so long, and i just can't imagine being so far away from any of them.

~ Kassandra