time moving along

time is an amazing thing.

sometimes something can seem to pass very quickly and other times can seem to move very slowly. i understand that's all about perception. i'm not going to get into the psychological effects of time perception here, however, except to say it amazes me.

i'm amazed that i am one month away from completing my freshman year here at stanford. it seems like just a couple of weeks ago i was waving goodbye to my parents and baby sister as they drove away, leaving me apart from them, and my home, for the first time.

it's been an amazing time over the course of these eight months. my classes have been challenging, but i've done very well. i have the most incredible roommate for whom i could have asked; more than just roommates - great friends. i've been seeing the same guy for three months now; little speed bump when i met his mother, but all is fine with us.

i've had an incredible series of classes. i can't say i had any specific expectations, but i'm not surprised as to the level of difficulty. i was confident going into this year that i'd be able to excel. thanks to a self-arranged study schedule, i've been ahead of schedule with my course work. i'm confident that will continue as i continue my education.

i know i've mentioned Julie before here. we've become like sisters. we're so close that it's like we grew up together. it amazes me i've only known her these months. we study together, cook for each other, shop together, go clubbing together and just like talking to each other. occassionally, we'll even tweet each other -- when we're five feet away from the other! a couple of the girls on our floor even refer to us as each other's wife. cute, i suppose.

that guy and i have had some very wonderful times together. we hit a rough spot when his mother came to town to go over some financial issues with him. there were basically three incidences. one where she was accusatory toward me, a second time when she basically told me i had no plan for the future, and the third when she told me i was not good enough for her son. the third time i very much held my ground and, when she said good night because she "had to get to the airport," i really pissed her off by saying: "i wouldn't want you to be delayed; perhaps i could give you a ride." after muttering something about me being a smart-ass bitch, she left. things were a little tense for about a week with that guy, but he finally stepped up and told me that if wasn't going to let his overbearing mother come between us. in short, we worked through it.

i've adopted some other habits over the course of my time here. back in the fall, i began walking, then running, 3.3 miles. it started with three days a week, then expanded to four days. three weeks ago, i extended the running to five days. i now start my route around campus at 6 a.m. on sunday, monday, tuesday, thursday and friday. i feel healthier and i feel as if i'm getting stronger.

being a basketball fan, specifically of my hometown portland trail blazers, i recently drew the following conclusion. if my undergrad college career were an nba game, there would be about 1:48 minutes remaining in the first quarter. sure, there's a lot of time left to go, but it feels like i've played quite a bit already.

i also feel that i am winning the game.

~ Kassandra

an unexpected holiday

as i had planned, i returned home for the holidays. after my last final on december 9, i hung around for a friday night outing with my dorm mate before spending the weekend at my brother's in san francisco. i made the drive home to portland.

first week

i arrived just in time to get some dinner on tuesday the 12th. as with my thanksgiving trip, there was a lot of talking and catching up. pretty much all of them asked how i felt about the finals from my first semester at stanford.

i had a chance to go shopping with my sisters. then i went shopping with a couple of my brothers. then i went shopping with my mama. then i went shopping with my best friend from high school, Shawna. fortunately, i didn't break the bank!

there are 10 members of my immediate family; 11 if you include my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Carla. we all would love to have the resources to buy for everyone in the family, but that's just not possible. a few years ago, my parents adopted a system where we would each draw a name ... well, not one name, but three! now, a few of us cheat and get everyone else a little something, and my parents still buy for each of us kids.

i drew my mama, Angela and Brandon. in turn, Jessica, Brandon and Carla drew me. that's a diverse group, and i received a diverse collection of gifts. not that i would advocate playing favorites, but i had almost wished to draw Monika's name, though i did not.

that was okay since we celebrated her third birthday on december 19. i was able to be there with her and present her with something i really think she can use and enjoy.

our scare

the day after Monika's birthday, on the afternoon of monday the 20th, my dad was in his office at work talking with a clerk when he began having chest pains after a little prodding, his boss took him to the hospital. it appeared he was having a heart attack, but was conscious and trying to talk to the doctors himself. they stabilized him as best they could, did x-rays and blood tests and so forth. according to what i was told later, he had a minor blockage in one of the arteries heading into his heart. they originally thought he was having a grade-4 or grade-5 heart attack, but it was downgraded just past grade-5. they performed minor surgery that night to repair the blockage and he's doing fine. they also determined that the other arteries were in good shape.

my mom wasn't home when it happened, and Keith answered the phone and gave it to me. i was shocked, but tried to maintain my composure. we tried calling my mom's cell, but she had it off because the charge was down. i had Keith keep trying to call her, while Brandon, took the others to the hospital in his truck. i went to the base, talked to the clerk who was with my dad and grabbed my dad's laptop and a couple of other things before heading to the hospital. i knew there was nothing i could do until he was out of triage. i got to the hospital about a half an hour after my siblings did. Keith was still trying to get in touch with my mom, and Brandon and i went to try and get some information from the doctors.

when my mom was finally contacted and made it to the hospital, there wasn't much information available, but we updated her as best we could. she was in a panic and wasn't sure what she wanted to do, so we had my three younger sisters sit down and just be there with her. Brandon and i started making phone calls to extended family and so forth.

Brian flew up tuesday and it was very comforting to have him there. he and Carla had planned to come up friday morning for christmas, so he was just a few days early. Carla arrived friday morning, as planned.

my dad is in very good physical shape and i wouldn't necessarily consider his diet to be over susceptible to heart problems. be that as it may, the procedure was successful and he was discharged from the hospital three days later.

a normal christmas

with all that happened, we had two objectives. the first was to make my dad as comfortable at home as we could. basically, we made sure a couple people were home with him at all times, preparing the right foods and helping him with this or that. my mom spent a lot of time with him, and each of us did our own little bit to help out and spend time with him.

one of the cutest things i saw was when i went into mom and dad's bedroom, he was laying there with some jazz on in the background. in one hand he was reading his book, and his other was laying on top of my cat, Nikki, who was laying next to him. he told me my cat came in and set herself down next to him. i had to smile wide; Nikki has a knack of going to the person who needs her most. she just seems to be smart like that.

the second objective was to make christmas as normal as possible. this was going to take some doing, but we all were confident we could still make it a special day. when i say we, i mean Brian, Carla and i.

it actually went very well. my dad was able to sit in his chair christmas morning while we all exchanged gifts, and later on for dinner, which we all adapted to match that which my dad was allowed to eat on the day.

there were a lot of laughs, smiles and many tears. the tears were of happiness and joy, and also that of a renewed spirit. i was very happy to see something which could have been mellow and bland, turn into something so special. i would even venture to say that it was one of our best as a family.

in a new light

following my dad's medical issue, Brandon and Angi became a little distant, Kevin wasn't around too much but still, showed his support, Monika was very concerned about her daddy, and Jessi was hit very hard. Brian and i tried to reassure the others as best we could, and he was eventually able to calm Jessi down. Brandon and Angi came on board with supporting dad when he arrived home.

the biggest surprise to me in all this was my 13-year-old brother, Keith. this baseball-playing musical drummer very much stepped up to the plate. he told me later about some nice conversations with my dad, telling him he loved him and wanted him to be around for a long time.

instead of walking around in a daze or showing anger, he approached his oldest sister to get some facts "you're a genius and i know you've already looked up all this stuff," he said. he was correct. we sat down, went online and found some medical charts. i explained to him about the blockage in our dad'a artery and went through my most informative version of what is involved in an angioplasty. he asked questions and understood.

Keith was there with me all week. he wanted to be as helpful and mature as he could be. if that was his goal, then he not only reached it, but surpassed it greatly. i think my youngest brother grew a lot over the past two weeks. i now see him in a new light.

a little work

with the holidays and my dad's situation, the family's distributorship business (the one we entered into in july) was left kind of fending for themselves. my mama wanted to stay at home with my dad so it was decided that i would go in and fill in for her in her role as owner/general manager for a few days (i have a small stake as a minor owner).

we essentially were just tying up some loose ends, invoicing and paying some invoices. i had to deal with a couple minor problems in the fashion and spirit i believe my mama would.

we were open december 27-30, and on the last day, we left Carla with my dad while everyone else joined in for a day of inventory. we'd never done this before, so it took a little getting used to but, all in all, things went very well.

new year's night out

another plan was that my little group from high school would get together for new year's eve. true to tradition, the six of us found out way to four parties (the first two were kind of lame). we rung in the new year at the third, with champagne and kisses from a couple guys i'd never met. no -- it wasn't that kind of thing -- just a closest person thing. really, it was funny more than anything else.

about a quarter after midnight, we left that party and went to the fourth. usually, these parties tend to die down after midnight, but this really seemed to be the place to be. i recognized a lot of people from high school, but mostly in grades higher than me. it was nice to get reacquainted with them, if even for just a night. i ended up hanging out with a couple of guys who were seniors when i was a freshman (not sure where the rest of my group had gone!).

the three of us had a great time and all i'll say is that we rang in the year just right.

so it's 2011 ... this should be an interesting year

~ Kassandra

thriving

the past month has been that of getting adjusted, thriving and downright enjoying life. a lot of things have happened, so i'm going to touch on the highlights.

first of though, i should probably start off by saying; please disregard the comments in the final section of the previous blog. Adam turned out to be nothing i would want to be around. why 'o why do i seem to attract those types of guys ... well not always, i guess.

family

i've had many, many opportunities to keep in touch with my family back in oregon (not to mention my brother in the bay area).

i try to talk to my parents at least twice a week (usually about three times to each of them), and my siblings one- to two-times a week. we chat via webcam, instant message, e-mail and numerous times on the telephone. this has been wonderful. i believe my family knows how hard it is for me to be separated from them.

i've been able to keep up with all the latest with each of them and have been able to tell them of each and every little thing going on with me.

two trips have been made to my brother and his fiance's apartment in san francisco. if you remember, i have my own room in their three-bedroom apartment. those trips have been a great diversion from campus life; a very nice break as i've used the time primarily to study and complete some papers.

school

i go into every semester with a semester-long plan to study and review on a daily basis. i also make sure that once i am assigned a paper or project that i complete it as soon as possible. this is what i call my study plan. not to sound conceited, but i think it's working very well. i have four mid-term papers completed, and i'm prepared for the other three mid-term exams. mid-terms begin tomorrow and i really feel as if i'm taking advantage of this opportunity.

Julie and i continue to get to know each other and we're getting along very well. we seem to have the same priorities and styles as we approach life here at school. we also share ethical and moral standards which make things so much easier and, therefore, more fun.

i've gotten to know the resident assistants (RAs) pretty well. one in particular, Gary, has been very helpful and supportive. if i must say, i think i'm his favorite resident on the floor. being aware that the males in my family are very athletic and active, he's dubbed himself as my "gay older brother and protector."

football and basketball

i absolutely love the atmosphere here surrounding the cardinal football team. i don't know if this is because it's new to me, because we're doing so well or because of both. i'm guessing both. i've been to two games at the stadium (didn't go to the southern cal game because i had the flu). for the away games, a group of us get together in the dorm's rec room to watch the game. we've had about 30-35 residents in there for both games and it's been a really nice way to get to know people. i've met some very fun friends there. we've got five games left -- two at home and three away. i'll be at the stadium for the home games, and in the rec room for at least two of them. there is talk that we should be able to get tickets to the "big game" against cal at berkeley. i really want to be there!

my hometown portland trail blazers open up their season in just two days from this writing. still with some injuries to a couple of our players, i'm confident in the team we're going to put on the court this season. we have steady veterans, an more-than-solid core group and some very exciting rookies. on paper, we should be very strong. i'm not saying we'll win the championship this season, but it is the year we should be able to take the next step.

personal

i'm really just getting into the social life here. watching football in the rec room has been a lot of fun and there have been a few fun parties. i've met a lot of people.

there is a whole different selection of guys than i've seen before. in a way, that makes me feel like a little school girl. i haven't planned on any relationships, but perhaps the occasional fling might be fun. i had a great night during alumni weekend with a sophomore named Chase. he seems sweet. i may just want to hang out with him again.

i'm going to leave that at that.

~ Kassandra

changes abound

it's been just over a week since my last blog, but life has drastically and expectedly changed for me, in more ways than one.

saying goodbye

on monday the 13th, early in the morning, i said an emotional heart-felt goodbye to my younger brothers and sisters (sans Monika). it's hard to go into, and relate how emotional this was to me. in particular, i did not want to let go of Jessica or Angela during our hugs. finally, i cleared my eyes got into my car, smiled at Monika in the back seat, and followed my parents as we headed toward san francisco.

we made pit stops in roseburg, medford and redding before making it to my brother's apartment by about 6:30 at night. i got to drive Monika down during the first and last legs of the trip, and we had a really great time talking and singing along with some cd's. i also got a chance to talk with my dad (second leg) and mom (third leg). that was a really special time for me. it meant so much to have that one-on-one time with each of them.

we stayed the night at Brian’s, though i couldn't sleep. my mom got up in the middle of the night to find me sipping coco on the deck. i was too excited with anticipation and too deep in thought of the future. my mom joined me for a couple hours. but we didn't speak of what will be. we spoke of what has been. we exchanged stories. stories about a little brown-haired girl asking her mother a million questions about everything; stories about a wide-eyed little girl trying to keep up with her two older brothers; stories about a little girl with a smile so bright as she cuddled next to her father so they could spend time watching sunday football together. it was just what i needed that night. it put a lot into perspective for me. it's just as if, as always, she knew just what i needed.

we arrived just before noon. i checked into my dorm and picked up my parking permit. my dormmate, Julie, arrived about 45 minutes after we did.. it was wonderful to me, like a beginning. on the other hand, it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to my parents and youngest sister. i watched as they drove away and turned the corner, almost expecting them to turn around and realize they forgot to take me with them. of course, i knew better. i really don't know exactly when i stopped waving goodbye.

arriving and beginning school

Julie and i spend most of that day unpacking and getting settling in. we have everything for which we can hope! small fridge (small, mind you, not mini!), microwave, hotplate, tv and … well, anything else two girls might need (except maybe our own bathrooms!). we've connected amazingly well. neither of us seems to worry about the little things.

we toured the campus together, then took an official tour of the campus with our dorm's resident assistants. it was very informative. we also spent part of the day at the beach on saturday (i'm so glad i have my car with me!). we also got tickets to stanford's game against wake forest saturday night. the latter was made even more fun when we clobbered wake! go cardinal.

classes started on the twentieth and my first impression is one of optimism. from what i can tell of the first two days, this atmosphere is catered to my style of learning; reading, listening, reviewing and testing. i can sooo totally do this!

a little something extra

i don't know if extra is the correct word, but i'm going to use it anyway! so thursday we were walking around and decided to sit down outside the quad. Julie kept nudging me and i'm like, “what?” she kept smiling and finally, on the other side of me, i heard this voice. it was asking if we were getting settled, if we were finding out where things were around campus, and if we had our tickets for the football game two days hence.

i turned and smiled. the voice was extremely cute! we started talking and i told him – Adam – that we hadn't planned on going to this particular game because it was only non-conference and didn't count toward our goal to win the pac-10 title, even though we still had to go through oregon, oregon state, usc and arizona to get there.

Adam’s eyes got wide.

he said after hearing my response, he just had to ask me to the game. i said sure (did i mention he's cute?!). he and his friend would take me and Julie to the game under one condition. i had to have lunch with him on friday so we could get to know each other.

we spent most of friday afternoon together and all of us met up for a bagel and went to the the game saturday evening. i had specifically planned not to become involved with someone the first half of this year.

i'm seeing him again thursday night. maybe i'll let you know how it goes!

~ Kassandra

Separation Anxiety

so, as you know, i'm off to college in two-and-a-half weeks. you also know i'm very close to my family. extremely close.

i'm spending these last moments with all of them; mom, dad, Monika, Keith, Angela, Jessica, Brandon and Kevin. i'm also making arrangements for something special for each of them for after i leave.

truth be told, i'm not handling this impending separation from my loved ones very well.

how long will it be before they walk by my room and no longer ask if i'll be home in time for dinner? how long will it be before my mom or dad no longer ask me to give one of my siblings a ride somewhere? how long will it be before they eliminate the thought of me from their day-to-day routines?

i love all of them greatly, and it's not like i'll be forgotten, but these questions weigh heavily on my mind.

there is no doubt in my mind that this is where i have to be and it's what i need to be doing. despite that fact, i wonder if maybe i should have emphasized colleges nearer to home in my search. on the other hand, stanford is one of the best universities in the country, and it has everything for which i was looking.

i'm not a person who deals well with being separated from love and affection. no, not the physical kind, but the truly deep emotional, heartfelt love one only gets from those who have been an intimate part of her life -- all her life.

i can't help but wonder if my parents will keep my room the way it is or turn it into something very different. will my mom see my picture on the wall and remember the little girl who begged and pleaded to lick the cake frosting bowl? will my dad think about the nights we spent watching our favorite show together? will he never forget that i always have been and always will be his little girl?

what will Jessica think when she's playing piano and doesn't see her big sister leaning in the doorway with an expression of great pride on her face? will Angela call me when a question comes up about her schoolwork or boys, or will she find someone else to ask?

how will Brandon react to being the oldest at home? can he possibly know how much respect i have for the young man he's turned into? will Keith look up into the stands at his game expecting to see me, but suddenly remember the reality that i am not there? will he remember fondly the times when it was me who had to scold him? how will Kevin ever do a remodel estimate without his "brainiac" sister?

and then there's Monika. she's so much like all of her sisters, yet with bias i feel she favors me the most. she almost seems like a daughter to me. will she realize that i haven't really left her; that i'm only a few hundred miles away? will she continue to learn to read even without her mentor present? who will she climb into bed with when she's lonely once i am not there?

obviously, the questions are at the forefront of my mind but, you know, i think i already know all the answers. they will be all right. i will be all right. saying goodbye -- or see ya later -- will undoubtedly be the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life.

we've been so close for so long, and i just can't imagine being so far away from any of them.

~ Kassandra